The Last Man On Earth
Characters:
DAWN WALKER – A young woman in her
20s. She just lived through the apocalypse and thinks she is the last woman on
earth. She is intent on breaking up with her boyfriend, SKYLAR.
(The Scene is set in a nice park overlooking post-apocalyptic New
Haven. Everything around for miles is destroyed, and DAWN ENTERS alone on stage, preparing to talk to her
boyfriend SKY. Though she is trying
to sound and act like everything is normal, she is freaking out inside. She clings
desperately to her former life. There
is a skeleton reclining on a bench nearby to where she is standing.)
DAWN
I can almost hear the birds whistling in the trees—and if
you ignore that mushroom cloud out over the bay, you can even pretend that there
are actual people heading home on the highway from downtown! And over
there—West Haven, looks just like it always has! (Pause) We should’ve come here sooner… before this got out of hand…
I was so shocked when Mrs. Handelmen up and crumbled into salt! I always told
her sodium level would be the death of her… especially the way she would shower
table salt onto her pork rinds in the dining hall…Anyway, the thing is, Skylar,
baby… (Takes notice of the skeleton on
the bench) Ok, that’s it, I’m sorry… This really cannot be ignored any
longer: How long has that been there? I know it’s the apocalypse, and all kinds
of brimstone and hellfire have been just spewing from the depths of hell—but
how in God’s name is there a skeleton just sitting here on the bench?! Creepy
crispy burned out husk of a corpse—ok, fine, I’d buy it, but that is a freaking
bleached skeleton! (DAWN notices a ring
on the skeleton’s finger. Ignoring her former distain for the skeleton, DAWN
grabs its hand and examines the ring more closely.) Ooh! This ring it’s
got—is that a silver inlay between the amber or… oh. It’s chipped in the
middle. (DAWN drops the skeleton’s hand
in disgust) keep it… Sky, you’re wondering why I asked you here to the
park… in sight of a deranged skeleton and a few crispy squirrels… in the middle
of the freaking apocalypse…Well, (DAWN
starts to try to break up with SKYLAR, but deflects to a different topic.) I
needed to show you what I found in the Wal-Mart near the freeway. I was down
there this morning sifting through cartons of cereal scattered on the floor
between the condiments and hair products when I found this! (DAWN
takes out a copy of a newspaper, Weekly World News to be exact) This isn’t
just any copy of Weekly World News—Oh no. This is a copy of Weekly world news
from this morning! The whole world is
exploding, we can’t find another living soul, and yet they still manage to
print this shit! I mean, look at the headline! ‘Experts say Apocalypse a fake’
– seriously?! – “Caroline Ludwig, renown bibliophysicist, 26, stated on Tuesday
‘the levels of sulfur on the surface, and the amount of volcanic ash blowing in
over Europe are nowhere near the toxicity expected by the release of
Lucifer.”—None of this makes any sense! The one time they could’ve been right—
The one freaking time! ‘not the apocalypse’—Yes it fucking is! It is the
fucking apocalypse! It is! (Notices SKY
is still standing with her and folds up the paper again.) But—what I’m
saying is: there are other people out there! Psychotic World News writing people, but people nonetheless! We aren’t alone,
Skylar! We don’t have to do it! We don’t have to repopulate the whole fucking
world! Skylar? What are you on your knees… oh god… Oh no… please tell me that
isn’t… that isn’t a ring… Skylar, where did you get that? (pause) You spent your entire college fund?! Pause) Hold your horses, you spent anything at all?! Everyone is
dead, Skylar! You could’ve just taken it! I don’t think the radioactive
skeleton at the register would’ve minded! He’s fucking dead! (Pause) The ring… oh… about the ring…
See here’s the thing: I like my name—Dawn Walker—its got a-a nice feel to it.
Dawn Shittager? It’s just not me. I say it out loud and I feel like I should
clean my mouth out with soap. And you can’t take my name, cause then you’d be
Sky Walker, and then I’d be the only one around to make bad ‘Padawan’ jokes.
The DVD store got blasted into the next continent when the oil basin underneath
exploded—it was like the first thing to go—so not even our kids wouldn’t get
the joke. I actually asked you here today because… I’m trying to break up with
you. I just can’t do it—none of it—not you, not me—I just cant do this whole
“last man and woman on earth” shtick. Sky, stop crying… the skeleton is
watching. Look, its not you: I mean, the cuddling was nice—especially since now
everything smells like sulfur, if you have any B.O., I can’t tell! And the
other night, when we sat outside on the damp grass and watched the hurricane
rip apart Long Island, and you were stroking my hair, I was about as content as
I ever thought I could be in this germ infested, tetanus-trap. I didn’t even
mind that the mud from the water treatment plant soaked through our blanket and
ruined my last clean dress. As we watched the boats in the harbor ripped apart
by electric flame, I could see that burning passion in your eyes. But then you
kissed me… Kissing you is like… It’s like kissing a dead fish—there’s no
movement. And your breath… it smells like fish! All the time—I kissed you once,
just after you finished brushing your teeth and BAM- fish and mint… And to top
it off it was very, very wet. You kind of missed my mouth… So it was very very
wet all over my chin. If that’s how you kiss, I really don’t want to imagine
the rest. No offense. What I’m really saying is… no… I would never, ever, ever
be with you. Not even if you were the last man on earth. Which you could very
well be. Don’t be like that Skylar—we can still be really good platonic
non-tongue-kissing friends! Don’t walk away! Damnit! Yep… yep, he’s gone. (DAWN catches sight of a second male making
his way up the hill) Thank sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he wasn’t the all
that was left! There’s hope for the human race after all! … (gives the guy the once over) A lot of
hope! (trying to catch the guy’s
attention) You—You there! I’ve got some jerky with me if you want some.
What’s your name? Tex? That’s a nice
name. You know, I think we might just be the last two people on earth…
©2012-2014 Lex Vex
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